forget

There is so much that I would like to forget, but only the small stuff seems to ever slip my mind—like where I left my keys, whether I locked the door, that I’m out of milk…..

In my wallet, I had a slip of paper, tattered…faded…on it read a message from a fortune cookie I got after sharing a msg-filled meal with a person that at one time in my life, meant more to me than anything. Anything. We opened our cookies after that meal and to our surprise, both of them presented the same fortune. They read: QUIT LOOKING FOR HAPPINESS IT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU. We took it as a sign and kept them. For so long, I have started each day by reading those 10 words. Each night, I read them again, sometimes more than once, before sleep, if sleep will come.

So often I have stared at the ceiling while lying in bed, hoping for sleep to envelop me in serene rest only to grudgingly…reluctantly get out of bed with the acceptance that sleep will not be visiting me any time soon.

A lot of times I walk outside into the Statesboro night and look at the surrounding apartments which are usually as quiet as their windows are dark. Nobody outside, no traffic on the streets. The boro looks as if the Rapture has occurred, and only I have been left behind to endure the reign of Hell on Earth.

I always just want to be asleep. My mind wanders; different thoughts meander through my head, and I always seem to end up thinking about that slip of paper at some point. Why?

I’ve come to realize that the tiny piece of paper that I have carried with me for years has served as a shackle, binding me, constricting me, imprisoning me. The words that at one time brought comfort and happiness, now bring a flood of memories that I am certain are a tributary to whatever source feeds my sporadic battles with the sandman.

As of today, I no longer carry that little piece of paper. I didn’t throw it away; I laid it down today in a snowy landing outside of the building that I am living in while I am here in Baltimore. In a literal sense, I set it free. I think, in hopes that I will be set free from the feelings that found their power in the memories that the diminutive little paper conjured in me.

I won’t ever read those words again, but I am sure that I will remember them. Now, if I could only remember where I put my car keys…..