life's an ocean...sail it

I was talking with a good friend today, and she really got me thinking. (Cm'on...me thinking isn't that much of a stretch is it?) Anyway, we talked about everything from grocery shopping to pajamas to whether or not it would be a good idea to wear pajamas while grocery shopping. (Our talks may lack structure, but they never lack for fun or wide-ranging topics.) After talking with her, I realized that I’ve got to quit playing it safe so much. I remember hearing once that, “a ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” Well, my ship has set sail. I can honestly say that I have left the safety of the harbor, and it feels good to see some wind in the sails and open and endless horizon ahead. The scenery in the harbor was getting old anyway; it was time for a change.

the roads we take

“The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart”- Elizabeth Foley

It’s amazing to me how true this is. Through life’s twists and turns my closest friends have all taken drastically different paths from each other. Some are married and some are not. Some have children. None of us have chosen the same career. Most of us are geographically separated. We are all on different roads heading to different destinations, but thank God that our roads intersect from time to time. We used to be little cookie-cutter molds of one another. We thought that we were individuals back then, but in reality we were a bunch of individuals walking down the same road, in step with one another, growing together. It reminds me of the saying, “Just remember you are unique, just like everyone else.” But there came a point in the road when we all took different routes, and that isn’t a bad thing. In fact, there is a lot of beauty in that. We started to grow separately, but we never grew apart. Some walk smooth and even roads, while others walk rough and rugged roads, but the intersections of our roads are always level and offer a perfect place to rest. I look forward to the next intersection.

no land in sight

I continue to drift in the water. I see no distant shore, no land in sight. My last memory of you creeps into my head and bullies my brain into reenacting the day I drifted away for good. I remember us both in the water, I never felt the current. I was blind to the force that would pull us apart. I was blind. With a sudden surge of power, the peaceful waters became a raging torrent. I felt your hand slip from mine; I felt your touch for the last time. Instinctively…blindly…I reached for you. For the first time in my life, I thought that I might lose you. I was terrified. I thought I knew what fear was before this moment. I was wrong. I reached for you again, and again could not grasp your hand. The fear draped over me like a burial shroud, I cried out for God to help me. As I fought against the current and reached for you a third time, I realized that you recoiled as my hand extended to you. There was a reason I could not find your hand…you weren’t offering it to me anymore. As the comprehension of the situation settled in, I let the waters take me. I watched you as the waters pulled me away. You watched me for a little while, but quickly turned your back and retreated to the safety of the shore as I was being swept out of sight. I saw him greet you on shore and watched as he extended his hand to you…you didn’t recoil. And then I was gone. Since that day, I’ve been cradled by these waters. They are calm and serene again. I guess I have been drifting for over a year now. I’ve become accustomed to the ebb and flow of my new environment. The solitude has been both a friend and an enemy, but I know that this current is taking me someplace. I just don’t know where. I’ve had nothing but time on my hands to think about the possible destination. I choose to think that it will take me to another shore, where I will one day feel a hand reach for mine and pull me out of the water.

list of 4's

TAG - the list of 4's

Alright, I said I would do this so here goes nothing.

4 jobs you've had in your life: (I’ve had so many! This will be tough.)
1. Survival Instructor: I taught survival tactics to aircrew members for the Air Force. It was a fun and rewarding job. Going through Land, Water, Combat and P.O.W. survival training while I was becoming an instructor was such a great experience. You learn a lot about yourself when you are pushed to your physical and emotional limits.
2. SCUBA Instructor: This is what I am doing now while I am finishing my master’s degree. I love it, love it, love it. Surrounded only by the sound of my air bubbles rising through the water for hours on end. Even when I’m instructing, I can’t help but be relaxed.
3. 4th Grade Teacher: I loved my kids! They were awesome. (Do you see a pattern here, I enjoy teaching.) I’ll go in a different direction for the next one.
4. I ran a Kool-Aid stand when I was in 4th grade: What a great job. Summer sun and all the Kool-Aid I could drink. I had a Kool-Aid mustache all summer! Oh Yeah!

4 movies you would watch over and over:
1. Braveheart
2. The Goonies
3. Oh Brother where art thou?
4. Quest for the Holy Grail--There are so many more I wished I could list, but I’m sticking with the rules…

4 places you have lived:
1. Lake George, GA – I grew up in Lake George. A little community on the coast. No stoplights, No noise…just the salt-marsh, shrimpboats and a ten minute boat ride to the mouth of the ocean. Life was bliss growing up here. My personal paradise. I love the Georgia coast.
2. Statesboro, GA –I left and came back, I guess I can’t get enough of this place. I met baylor and Tara here, so if that is all I would have gotten out of it…it would have been enough.
3. Salinas, CA –My family moved out to California for about a year when I was just a wee-little Jeff. I had my first birthday in California. I still have family there and visit them as often as I can. (Which isn’t nearly enough.)
4. Tan Canvas Tent, An-Nasyriah Iraq –I spent a year in that tent…my least favorite residence. By far.

4 tv shows you love to watch:
1. LOST—My favorite show right now by a mile. It’s on now, and I must confess…I am writing this in between commercial breaks.
2. Sportscenter- I’m a guy, tell me you didn’t see that one coming.
3. American Chopper- Guilty pleassure
4. National Geographic Explorer- Actually I’ll watch just about anything on National Geographic, Discovery Channel, TLC, etc.

4 places you have been on vacation:
1. The Grand Caymans- beautiful
2. Jamaica- also beautiful
3. Western/Southern Europe- great trips…great people…great food…great culture…great memories
4. Key West- I had to throw a location in my list that was in the U.S. Man, I love Key West.

4 of your favorite foods:
1. Japanese Steakhouse!—nuff said
2. Chocolate Yoo-Hoo- Technicaly it is a drink not a food, but God I love em’.
3. Steamed Oysters- To quote Jimmy Buffett, “Give me oysters and beer, for dinner every day of the year, and I’d feel fine….” To be more specific, I do like to drink a beer every now and then, but not everyday. So my Jimmy Buffett quote is geared more towards the oysters. If only Jimmy had sang “Give me oysters and Yoo-Hoos…”
4. Hummus – with veggies, chips, crackers, rice, etc… I stole this one from Tara, but I agree. Blue Moon Café here in Statesboro has the absolute best…

4 places you would rather be right now:
1. Looking into the eyes of my eventual soul-mate while lying in a sea of blankets and holding her close. The location isn’t important. The only thing important would be the moment.

I can’t think of any better place than that…I guess I am going to break the rules after all. You only get one answer for this one…

embrace them

I’m honored that many of my friends come to me when they are having some sort of problem, concern or worry in their life. It seems like it has always been that way. I guess I was blessed with good listening skills and a soft spot for my friends when they are in need. I enjoy trying to help my friends cope with whatever life has picked up and hurled at them at that particular point in time, but it affects me each time I do it. I just hate to see others in pain. I hate to see someone who doesn’t deserve it, treated like a doormat. I hate the longing for something better that seems to always be hiding just below the surface in so many of my friends. I wonder if some people are unable to see these things. Are some people blind to the true manifestation of their friends, and can they only see the false facade that all of us display to the world at some point or another? Now, I’m not saying I’ve been blessed with some sixth-sense or know the secret to some parlor trick. I think that my recognition of the need for some form of counsel often draws people that are close to me in even closer. I’m definitely not the expert when it comes to counseling. I think most people would best be suited talking to Dr. Tara when it comes to that. In fact, I was originally enrolled in the Education Counseling master’s program here until I realized that I just couldn’t handle the burden of carrying everyone else’s pain for the next 30 years of my career. Empathy, sympathy, pity…they all drained me. I knew that I would be unable to just “leave it at the office.” I knew that I would carry everything home with me. I continuously felt exhausted. It seemed to me that in order to help remove someone’s suffering their pain would have to travel through my heart, leaving it scarred and sore. I gave it up. And I’ve regretted it. In the last week, I’ve had a couple friends that have sought my counsel on issues ranging from boyfriends to family to money, and I have come to realize that we are all counselors to our loved ones every day. So in this way, I didn’t give up counseling completely, I don’t think that is possible. It made me feel good to realize this. I hope we can all give good counsel to each other. The entanglement of two lives through shared feelings and experiences doesn’t have to be a burden. It can cause a reinforcement of the bonds we share with our friends and solidify the relationships we share. I know this, and I am happy for it. Recognize your friend's needs, and embrace them.

back to the 21st century

Wow, I have been without a computer for the last couple of weeks and I have to admit that I rely on this stupid thing way too much! I felt lost without it. I felt cut off from friends that I keep in touch with, and I felt like I was in an information vacuum. Everything for my classes and my job is kept right here on this thing. It’s sad, but I need a computer just to function normally in my professional life. I just have to say that I am really happy to have it back. Now I can return to my sad computer dependency. I really was lost without it.

home

It is so good to know that I will be home tomorrow. Life on the road for the better part of the last three weeks has left me drained. I feel like a plow mule who has been worked to exhaustion and is finally being allowed to trudge back to his stable to rest. A pile of hay to sleep on and a roof over my head seems pretty inviting to tell the truth, as long as it is home. I want to look at a Georgia sky for a change; you know the kind I am talking about. The kind of day when an hour or two of winter light remains in the afternoon, but the filter of a brooding storm casts a false twilight across the pines. I want to watch the storm move off the coast, and for that last moment of sunlight to hit me as the sun slips behind the horizon. I want to see my friends and family. I want to be home. I’ll be there tomorrow. I can’t wait.

I am so fortunate to have some great friends that have made the last couple weeks on the road a little more bearable. Seclusion or loneliness comes in two basic varieties. When it results from a desire for solitude, loneliness is a door we close against the world. When the world instead rejects us, loneliness is an open door, unused. I didn’t experience either of them on my trip. My friends came walking through that door everyday while I was away. They weren’t with me physically, but I could feel them with me nonetheless. For those of you who were with me, I say thank you. Your friendship means the world to me, and I do not take you for granted. Just as you were there for me, I promise to be there for you no matter where life’s journey takes you. You can count on that.

I can't wait to be home.